Diary Confessions
by XXspuffster101XX
Summary: s6,Tara is concerned about Buffy's behavior&does the unthinkable,reads her journal whilst she's patrolling.B journal&TaraPOV,broken into small chapters for each entry.1st pub fic of dozens of WIPs.original poetry by me.now open2all reviewers.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: kay so this is my first fic that I am posting here...it will be broken up into small chapters for the individual journal entries...I have it as Spuffy, but there is no kissage or anything, just Buffy's thoughts on what could happen with her and Spike...this fic will take place in season six, and probably the night before OMWF...it is gonna be all journal except for the little bit of Tara's thoughts...I have so many fics that I have started or have ideas for over the past 4 or 5 years, but I am not comfortable with them...this one, however, I am fairly comfortable with...and so I am posting the first part now and hope to get at least one review before I expand...this story is un-beta'd...yet I have read it over and over again, editing and proofreading, and relying heavily on my spell/grammar check...so hopefully it will not have very many errors...real life is very busy with working 7 days a week so I may not get the next journal entries/chapters up until later in the week...maybe Thursday since I work a morning shift at my second job and will have the evening free to edit the entries...kay...so I shall endeth this rambleth here and hope you enjoy my fic...I'm pretty sure it has been over done, but here it is...enjoy?**

**PS: I cannot believe I posted without a disclaimer...here so here it is: **

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own Buffy and Spike because if I did, I would not have let their epic love story just end the way it did...yet alas...there is nothing I can do but make and read fanfiction to change that...also...the rest of the characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are not mine to play with whenever I want...that right will forever belong to Joss Whedon and co. at Mutant Enemy...but sometimes he lets me play with them...and it makes me of the happy that is very...specially when he doesn't take them away before I can finish the stories...damn you Joss!!...heh...at least he let me keep Buffy and Tara long enough to write this one...BUT THE POEMS ARE MINE AND MINE ALONE SO IF THE MEDIOCRENESS OF THEM IS APPEALING TO YOU AND YOU WANT TO BORROW THEM OR SOMETHING, YOU NEED TO LEAVE ME A REVIEW ASKING NICELY AND MAYBE I SHALL LET YOU USE THEM FOR WHATEVER...Thanks Much...MONICA  
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Willow and Tara watched as Buffy ran down the stairs and flew out of the house without a word for patrol.

"What's wrong with Buffy?" Tara asked her red haired girlfriend.

"She's probably still trying to readjust to being alive again. After all, we just pulled her out of goddess knows what kind of Hell dimension a few weeks ago." Willow replied, as if it was as simple as that.

"Yeah, you are probably right," said the blond witch, knowing there was something more that Buffy was not willing to share with them. _Why aren't you talking to us Buffy?_ Tara wondered.

After a moment, Tara had a thought and decided to check Buffy's journal for any recent entries. Excusing herself from her girlfriend's embrace on the couch, she made her way to Buffy's room. Nervously, Tara did a quick summoning spell to find Buffy's journal without moving anything out of place, alerting the Slayer to an unwanted entry upon her return home from patrol. Once she had the journal in her hands, she was apprehensive to open it because these were Buffy's private thoughts that she did not want to share with anyone. It was a violation of privacy and that was something Tara never did, yet she needed to know what was wrong with Buffy even if it meant keeping whatever secret she has away from the rest of the gang. With a deep breath, she opened the journal to the end and found that she had written a lot in the past few weeks. Tara could not help but notice the difference in Buffy's handwriting from the entries before her death and after. Gone was the flowing script of a young woman, now it was a quick scribble of lines showing her pain without even needing to read the actual words. Finding the first page of these entries, Tara reads the truth of why Buffy has been so distant.

_Everyday they ask me if I am okay and all I can do is nod my head and say I am getting better. I cannot even look them in the eyes as I lie to them. I wish I could tell them all the truth, but I hate them all so much right now that I can hardly bear to be in the same room with them for more than a few minutes. I cannot be mad at Dawn, Giles, and even Spike because I know they had nothing to do with it. I can even understand Tara and Anya taking part in the resurrection because they are in love with THEM and will do almost anything for THEM, yet that does not mean that I am still not mad at them as well. How could Willow and Xander do this to me? How, after everything, could they possibly believe I was stuck in some goddamn Hell dimension? Did they even bother trying to find out? No, they were just too selfish to let me go! To let me live in peace! I spent five years sacrificing everything for this world that could hardly give a damn about me and when I finally sacrifice my life to keep it alive and safe, they tear me out of my rest. I finally had peace and warmth and was with my mom again. I was able to watch over Dawnie and Spike to make sure they did not hurt themselves and I could check in on everyone else when they were in the same room as the two. Yeah, I am admitting this to you, to myself. I DID care for Spike, how could I not after everything he went through to protect Dawn from Glory. He told me that night that he knew I would never love him and that he was a monster, but that I treated him like a man, but he never finished what he wanted to say. If the circumstances were different, if we were not about to face a Hell goddess to save my sister, I probably would have told him that it was not completely impossible for me to love him; however, I could not say anything. I figured that there would be a chance after everything; I hoped there would be. So while I enjoyed my rest in whatever dimension of HEAVEN that I was in with my mother by my side watching over Dawn and Spike, Willow and Xander were plotting to figure out how to bring me back to this Hell I call Earth. It has been a few days since they brought me back, and every time I look at Willow, I know she is expecting me to thank her for getting me out. I hate her the most. The greatest best friend I have ever had and now I cannot bear to look at her. My insides are boiling with anger at what she did to me and the fact that I can feel anger this strong is a good thing, right? If I can feel something other than the pain and misery of being back here, then that means there is still hope to feel other things like compassion, joy, maybe even love. God I hope so because right now I am barely holding on to the newly unwanted life they gave me. I really want to be able to tell Dawnie, Giles, and even Spike that I love them and mean it. I don't know if I love Spike, but if I had never died, there would have been a good chance of it happening. I was so stupid because here he was doing the exact opposite of what an evil, soulless vampire is supposed to do, and he did it all for me. I know that all he had to do was get a minion to snap a person's neck so that he could still feed on warm human blood, but he did not do it. He threatened to kill Drusilla for me to prove that he loved me, but I let my fear of falling for another vampire cloud my judgment. I just want to feel something similar to what I felt in Heaven. Will I ever get used to this? Every time I die, do I have to worry about Willow and Xander bringing me back because they expect me to be around to protect them until old age takes us to our final rest? I don't know what to do. That hitchhiking demon really shook me up yesterday. I just hope it wasn't right. If I am going to be stuck here, I don't want to stay depressed like this. If anything, I need to take care of Dawn and I cannot do it like this. God I hope things can get better for me._

**A/N2: Please leave any kind of review if you read...even if it is to flame me or something, I don't care...I just want to know that someone took the time to read this...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!...MONICA**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own Buffy and Spike because if I did, I would not have let their epic love story just end the way it did...yet alas...there is nothing I can do but make and read fanfiction to change that...also...the rest of the characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are not mine to play with whenever I want...that right will forever belong to Joss Whedon and co. at Mutant Enemy...but sometimes he lets me play with them...and it makes me of the happy that is very...specially when he doesn't take them away before I can finish the stories...damn you Joss!!...heh...at least he let me keep Buffy and Tara long enough to write this one...BUT THE POEMS ARE MINE AND MINE ALONE SO IF THE MEDIOCRENESS OF THEM IS APPEALING TO YOU AND YOU WANT TO BORROW THEM OR SOMETHING, YOU NEED TO LEAVE ME A REVIEW ASKING NICELY AND MAYBE I SHALL LET YOU USE THEM FOR WHATEVER...Thanks Much...MONICA**

**A/N: Okay, so sorry about the wait on this...working 7 days a week is not fun...and the poems were already written...I just couldn't find them...and then when I did I had to sit down and decide which ones would work for Buffy...they aren't perfectly perfect I guess...but I think they will fit okay to this journal thing...I hope you like...I think my poetry is mediocre...but hey what can I say...I'm Monica the Bloody Awful Poet...heh...enjoy?**

_She seems so happy_

_Not a care in the world_

_At least that's how she tries to act_

_She keeps people out_

_Never lets them get close_

_'Cuz she's afraid of what they'll find_

_Inside she's screaming_

_Outside she's laughing_

_Sometimes she can't take the pain_

_Has cried herself to sleep too many times to count_

_Wishing so hard to have the perfect life_

_She realizes there is no such thing_

_Can't break down in front of her friends_

_Must stay strong_

_Suppress her fears_

_Only until she gets to her room does she let the tears fall_

_Thoughts of ending it all_

_Never flicker through her mind_

_In the end she knows her family and friends are too precious to loose_

_Inside she's screaming_

_Outside she's laughing_

_And for now_

_That is how she wants it to remain_

_Until she is ready to let them in_

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_can't take living this half life anymore._

_wishing it could all just end._

_the numbness will not leave._

_cannot do the work needed to be done._

_sleeping all night and day,_

_yet still eternaly tired._

_the depression falling heavy_

_over body and soul._

_everything is falling apart._

_body going through the motions_

_as the soul shrivels and decays._

_can't figure out where things went wrong._

_the breaking point reached._

_all that's left is the downward fall._

_scars on the wrist_

_mirror scars on the heart._

_can't take living this half life anymore._

_wishing it could all just end._

_soon._


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own Buffy and Spike because if I did, I would not have let their epic love story just end the way it did...yet alas...there is nothing I can do but make and read fanfiction to change that...also...the rest of the characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are not mine to play with whenever I want...that right will forever belong to Joss Whedon and co. at Mutant Enemy...but sometimes he lets me play with them...and it makes me of the happy that is very...specially when he doesn't take them away before I can finish the stories...damn you Joss!!...heh...at least he let me keep Buffy and Tara long enough to write this one...BUT THE POEMS ARE MINE AND MINE ALONE SO IF THE MEDIOCRENESS OF THEM IS APPEALING TO YOU AND YOU WANT TO BORROW THEM OR SOMETHING, YOU NEED TO LEAVE ME A REVIEW ASKING NICELY AND MAYBE I SHALL LET YOU USE THEM FOR WHATEVER...Thanks Much...MONICA **

**A/N: kay...so I know the first chapter has been read or looked at almost 200 times...and no reviews...but alas...I know it wasn't much to go on...but I do hope to have at least one review by the time I am finished...which is just another chapter or two after this one...it's already written...but on a different computer...I should have it out by the end of the night though, when I get home...I may write more...but as far as my poems go...this will be the last chapter with them...no I lied...the next chapter after this one will have one more small one...okies...so here are some more of my poems and some Tara thoughts thrown in...oh and the first poem was originally ten years b/c that's about how long it has been since my mum divorced my dad...had to change it to five since Buffy has only been a Slayer for 5 years...duh...heh...but yeah...kay...enough rambling...enjoy?**

** PS: hey guess what...I had anonymous reviews blocked...I had no idea...thank you RabidReject for reviewing this chapter and letting me know...so if anyone wants to review...now ya can...so let me know what ya think please and thank you...  
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_death cannot come any sooner_

_everything fell apart so fast_

_after five years being lost_

_wanna go back to the denile of past_

_wish this was just a movie_

_why couldn't there be a better cast_

_couldn't there be a happy ending_

_this life cannot last_

_this is the end_

_this is the goodbye_

_goodbye_

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_sitting alone in darkness_

_praying to be saved_

_sitting alone in darkness_

_heart has finally caved_

_sitting alone in darkness_

_loosing all hope_

_sitting alone in darkness_

_can't seem to cope_

_sitting alone in darkness_

_don't want to try_

_sitting alone in darkness_

_just want to cry_

_sitting alone in darkness_

_this is goodbye_

_sitting alone in darkness_

_silence as I die_

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"Oh Buffy," Tara said aloud to herself as she flipped through page after page of the near dozen poems. She was amazed at just how painful being the Slayer, and having been torn out of Heaven, was for Buffy. _When I looked at her aura when we brought her back and saw how dark it was, I just thought it had to do with being pulled out of hell. I cannot believe how wrong I was. It was dark because she is depressed. _The poems may not have been worthy of Poe or Dickinson, but you could clearly feel the pain of the simple words, and they brought tears to Tara's eyes. She felt so guilty. Had she just thought to suggest doing a spell to see if Buffy really was stuck in a hell dimension, this would have never happened. She was just blinded by her love and trust for the woman she loved more than life itself that she did not, could not, second-guess Willow's decision. Now more than anything, she wished she had, if only to spare Buffy the additional pain that she is feeling now along with her burden as the Slayer. How could they have been so stupid to believe she was in a Hell dimension. She gasped when she remembered how Buffy had run out of the house half an hour ago. "Please don't let yourself get hurt out there on purpose Buffy." Noticing that there were a couple more pages, Tara forced herself to finish reading Buffy's thoughts through the blur of tears slowly falling down her face.

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**A/N2: So yeah...the last bit with Tara...I dunno...I just wrote it on the spot since I figured I would need a little more Tara in the middle rather than just the beggining and end...but whatev...maybe leave a review or something...at least let me know what ya thought of my mediocre poetry please...please?...MONICA**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own Buffy and Spike because if I did, I would not have let their epic love story just end the way it did...yet alas...there is nothing I can do but make and read fanfiction to change that...also...the rest of the characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are not mine to play with whenever I want...that right will forever belong to Joss Whedon and co. at Mutant Enemy...but sometimes he lets me play with them...and it makes me of the happy that is very...specially when he doesn't take them away before I can finish the stories...damn you Joss!!...heh...at least he let me keep Buffy and Tara long enough to write this one...BUT THE POEMS ARE MINE AND MINE ALONE SO IF THE MEDIOCRENESS OF THEM IS APPEALING TO YOU AND YOU WANT TO BORROW THEM OR SOMETHING, YOU NEED TO LEAVE ME A REVIEW ASKING NICELY AND MAYBE I SHALL LET YOU USE THEM FOR WHATEVER...Thanks Much...MONICA****  
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**A/N: Okay…so I was delayed a bit with Harry Potter news and Robot Chicken and such that it took me a little while to finish this chapter, edit it, and post it for ya'll. I'm kind of kicking myself right now because I told myself I was gonna hit the sack early to get to B&N when it opens so that I can be sure to get the first arm band when they start handing them out for the HP Midnight Party and such…heh…ah well…as long as I am asleep before 2AM…it's early…heh…well without further adieu…here is my final chapter of this little fic…let me know what ya think…I'm actually a tiny bit proud of how I decided to end it…R&R…enjoy?**

**PS: thank you to zigpal and RabidReject for the reviews and again to RR for pointing out that my anonymous reviews were disabled…it means a lot to me that you liked the story so far…hope ya like the ending…I was sorta confusing myself with Buffy's ramble and such, but I think it works…maybe…heh…**

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_Alone in the world,_

_Although I am surrounded._

_My soul is crying,_

_I just want to be happy._

_When will this misery end?_

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_God, now I am writing poetry. I bet that would make the William within Spike happy to know. Huh. I told him. I told him last week where I really was. I sat there and lied to the Scoobies, thanking them for getting me out and I just could not breathe. I walked out to the alley behind the Magic Box and there he was. I had to tell someone the truth and he was the only one I felt I could trust to keep this secret. It's funny; the one person that I trust more than anything is the one person that should be my enemy. I shouldn't even consider him a person, just a thing, just a demon, after all that is what he is, right? This past week has been so hard, and with Willow constantly expecting me to jump for joy and thank her for "saving" me; it is refreshing to have Spike around. He doesn't say anything more than a greeting, and then just sits with me until I am ready to talk. It wasn't until then that I was ready to talk. Instead of sticking around for what he would say when he found the power to speak again, I walked away into the sun leaving him stuck in the shadow. Since then, though, I cannot help but feel even more drawn to Spike than I ever have. The only time I feel remotely less dead is when I am with a soulless, un-dead, creature. So I keep telling myself. The irony. It is wrong though, I know it is, but I cannot help but feel a pull towards Spike. Maybe it is because I am in a dark place, but I know it started long before. What would they say if I ever admitted to feeling something other than loathing towards Spike? Why should I care what THEY think? They sure as hell didn't care about what I thought before they pulled me out of HEAVEN. Bloody hell, I don't know. I wonder if thinking about Spike means that I am taking the first steps back to some semi-normality, or maybe it just means I am crazy. I cannot be thinking of Spike in any other way other than reluctant ally and mortal enemy. For my sake. I cannot let myself get involved in any way with another vampire. We all know how well things went the first time and there is no way I can risk a repeat performance. If I am going to be stuck in this Hell, I need something normal. I have to have something normal. Speaking of unnatural, I need to get out of this house and go patrol._

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As Tara finished reading the last entry, she could understand Buffy's confusion toward Spike. Although, Tara knew that Spike's love for Buffy was genuine and that he was nothing like what she had heard of Angelus, she knew it must be hard for the Slayer to understand the difference, that not all vampires, not all people, are the same. She wanted to cry and she wanted to scream. _How could they do this to Buffy?_ She still could not get her mind around that one question. Realizing she has been reading Buffy's journal for almost half an hour, she quickly Magicks the book back into it's proper resting place and returns downstairs to share a piece of her mind with Willow about the stupidity of not trying to find out where Buffy was before they brought her back. She had to pause for a moment at the top of the stairs, remembering that this was not her secret to tell and that she should not have known about it at all. But she still could not believe Willow's disregard for magic as she remembered the fight they had recently about her abusing her power.

Once she came back downstairs, she noticed Willow had left the living room and followed the noise of the microwave beeping in the kitchen.

"Hey baby, I was just making some popcorn. What took you so long?"

"Oh, I-I was just looking for a book, nothing important though. After a little while I remembered that I left it at Alice's the other night when we went to her study group. I-I'll give her a call tomorrow," Tara lied almost easily, amazed that she hardly stuttered like she normally did when nervous or lying.

"Okay, cool. Oh, hey sweetie, this fell off of your blouse," Willow said as she handed the little flower that Tara had found under her pillow the morning after their argument.

"Oh thanks Will, I didn't even realize it came off."

Tara accepted the proffered flower and placed it back on her blouse while thinking of how to bring back Willow's abuse of magic without starting another fight. After she finished pinning the flower back on, though, she could not remember why she had been so upset just a moment ago as she stared lovingly at the woman of her dreams. A moment later, the two Witches stare at each other in confusion as music starts up out of seemingly thin air and they become enchanted by the spell as they sing and dance happily around the kitchen, leading to their bedroom.

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Meanwhile, at the same time in one of the many Sunnydale cemeteries, the Slayer aimlessly walks around lost in her depressing thoughts as she decides to give up on patrol. As she turns to walk back home, she is surprised to hear orchestral music playing in the air and eventually succumbs to the spell, singing her pain and anger as she slays daemons and saves another faceless victim.

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END

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**A/N2: So I guess I am kind of evil in a way to end it this way, but it was the best thing that I could think of without ruining the musical that I love oh so much…heh…so yeah…this is it…and I would really like to get some more feedback from everyone on what they thought of this little fic of mine…and of my poems…much love……MONICA**


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